I was reading my old blog.. my VERY old blog.. that dates back to 2003-2004, and I'm aware of how much a kid I sounded. (I just put up a link in the site to it so I won't lose it.) I remember mostly enjoying writing in there, and I think that was perhaps my 'truest' blog yet. I remember thinking that lying or withholding the truth on my blog would be equivalent to lying to myself. Towards the end of the blog though, constantly updating it and thinking of things to write bored me and it seemed like a pain, so I gradually weaned myself off it.

Though I still mostly kept most of my feelings to myself on that old blog (it may not seem like it but it's true, what with my ramblings and all), you can still see traces of emotion if you look hard enough. We're such guarded folks these days that I found it somewhat refreshing to read my old blog, even if it WAS written by me.

It was also my wordiest blog yet. And it was also the blog I wrote in and stuck to the longest. I've forgotten about all my other blogs save this one... mainly because I'd forgotten the ID and password and couldn't delete this blog. It's a good thing, I suppose, to read through my juvenile thoughts of the days gone past. All the other blogs are dead and gone without a trace. I guess in a way this blog chronicled a part of my life that I consider the most formative. I'm pretty much set in my ways now, like a cranky 80-year-old hag.

I remember those days revolving around my friends. My friends were EVERYTHING to me then. Everyone was a friend. Getting to know ten million people was awesome. Everyone was great. You could tell in that blog how much I enjoyed the company of friends and acquaintaces. But even back then, if I was unhappy, I learnt not to show too much of it in my blog.

Some unhappiness leaked out though, be it to friends or through that blog, and it came back to bite me in the ass. That blog and that accompanying period of time taught me to be wayyyy more taciturn about my life and the people and things within it. Telling everyone everything was not wise. In fact, it was very stupid. I used to think adults were boring people because they seemed to be so private, and now of course I understand that they had every reason to be so. But I also believe that because I held that belief in the past, people were consequently also more willing to open up to me.

It was a juvenile time. But then again, I was a juvenile. Kids these days are so mature, and they definitely were more mature then me and the people I hung out with when we were the same age. I'm a bit envious (why didn't I grow up a little quicker?) but then again I had so much fun, and I went through so much (I believe the word would be 'tumultuous'). I learnt so much as a result of everything gone by that, RIGHT NOW, even though I know some parts of my life back then were painful, I firmly believe it all to have been for the greater good in shaping me to become the person I am today.

I AM my past.

I know people wish they were younger, and that they had good times in the past, and all that. But good times are always to be had, you just may not have the privilege of being as foolish or making silly mistakes like in the past because you were young. But right now? I'm glad I've learnt to differentiate between fun and being the fool for the sake of having fun. I mean, I still do stupid things, but it's intentional and not cluelessly or carelessly so, but (I'd like to think that) I don't do stupid things that seriously jeopardize my morals or who I am as a person.

Well, most of the time, anyway. I need to learn how to be a better person. Complacency has more times than not led me down the wrong side of the road.

Me? I miss my youth only for the extra number of years I'd have to live my life the way I know how to, and not for the things I did. The things I did and said, those times are over and gone with the days of my younger days. Live for the present and the future, hey?